Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
