Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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