She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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