wakey wakey hands off snakey
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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