You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
