swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
