did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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