I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
