I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
