I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize