I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
