Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
