I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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