we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
