Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
