He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Im part way to drunk.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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