Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
