I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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