It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
