The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
