I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
