I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
