I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
PANTIES FOUND
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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