she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
