Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
