But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
