When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
