dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize