If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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