mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
