there's paper in my vomit.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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