it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
