My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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