YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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