I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
