i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
