do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
