My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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