What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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