In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My ATM looks so different sober.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
