While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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