Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
