just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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