i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
