i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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