Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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