guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
