Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
