saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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