just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize