He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize