I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
