I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
