How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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