the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
