If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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