dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Blood and glitter go together right?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
