Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
