Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
