life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
