Its about making memories worth repressing
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
