Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Randomize
