I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Randomize
