hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
It's just like the Real World with babies
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
